


Kill My Girlfriend

by Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: AKA, Aka Ed getting smashed, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cracky fluff, Ed is a dork, Fluff, Gen, Idiots in Love, M/M, Oswald cannot deal with this shit, Swearing, bad singing, canon is dead to me ok, fluffy crack, like murder husbands but more idioty, murder idiots, set before everything went to shit, there is no canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-20 19:07:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11927334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus/pseuds/Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus
Summary: Edward and Isabella are (almost) engaged and Oswald is, obviously, a little displeased about that. Then one evening he comes home a little earlier than he planned to and boy, is he in for a treat.





	1. Chapter 1

Oswald slammed the door closed, muttering to himself. He threw his umbrella to the corner and, after a second of consideration, kicked it. Of course, he regretted the decision immediately as sharp pain shot through his leg. He cursed.

It was all because of Isabelle. That bitch. That imbecilic, empty-headed bitch… fucking… PROPOSED to Edward. Proposed. With a ring and everything.

Not only was it against the tradition that it was the man who usually proposed (although that was literally the last thing that bothered Oswald about the news,) but SHE proposed to Ed. HIS Ed. HIS chief of staff. HIS long-time crush. How DARE she?!

The only consolation was that Edward didn’t say yes. He apparently just mumbled something about needing time to think it over and booked it out of the restaurant. Oswald didn’t blame him. Sighing, he took off his coat and reached for his cane. He was exhausted even despite getting home almost an hour earlier than he intended to. 

Then, he heard something. Someone… singing?

Oswald frowned, limping towards the source of the sound. It wasn’t Olga – the voice was too deep. Not Gabe, either, because he had a day off. Zsasz? No, he was on an assignment. That left Edward, but Oswald didn’t remember when was the last time he heard him singing; possibly back when he was staying in Ed’s apartment.

As he moved forward, Oswald was surprised to discover that the cacophonous wails were indeed sung in Edward’s voice. What the hell was he singing? Was it… Oh god, Oswald paled slightly. Was he singing Taylor Swift?

At last, he made it to the door of Edward’s bedroom, left slightly ajar. Oswald considered knocking, but peeked inside instead.

Saying that the view surprised him would’ve been a hell of an understatement.

Edward stood in the middle of the room, his glasses askew, his hair a mess and his shirt half unbuttoned, an empty bottle of wine in one hand and a smaller object in the other. He raised it higher up and Oswald saw that it was a lovingly crafted (although slightly crumpled) origami penguin. Ed gave the thing a loving look, making a kissy face at it. Then, the song ended and he dropped on the bed, giggling.

“Oh, Ozzie.” He cooed and Oswald froze, momentarily afraid that his presence has been discovered. It took him a moment that Edward was speaking to the penguin. “My little penguin. I finally figured it out!” He stood up and started pacing around the room, stroking the penguin absentmindedly. “I have it all planned out. All I have to do is remove that little… _obstacle_ , and then we can rule Gotham together!”

What?! Oswald’s heart did something weird between a backflip and an explosion. Rule Gotham together? What was Edward talking about? And how much of that wine was currently in his system? 

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while, you know.” Edward continued, fiddling with the radio. “You see, for a long time I thought that you had no idea about my feelings towards you, or worse – that you didn’t feel the same! But I’m smart.” He tapped his head as if to emphasize the point. 

However, in all his smartness he didn’t think to turn round. If he did, he’d see Oswald standing in the doorway with the most hilariously baffled expression on his face. Feelings?! Did that mean that Edward…?

“And you know what?” Ed poked the penguin’s beak playfully. “You still have no idea, silly! I’ve been dropping hints for so long and you still haven’t picked up on it. I even made up a riddle; the one I used on election night, when you won. You thought that I meant the public, didn’t you? Oh, my silly little bird.” He laughed again, and stood up when he finished changing the stations. However, he somehow tripped over his own feet and fell back down on his butt, looking adorably confused.

Oswald, meanwhile, was a little bit torn between screaming and laughter.  
_‘So this is what a cardiac arrest feels like’_ he thought numbly, one hand pressed to his chest and the other to his face, where a grin was forming at an alarming speed. 

Then a song came on, and Edward placed the bottle down on the nightstand. He began to dance to the cheerful piano intro. And then, to Oswald’s mixed horror and delight, he began to sing:

_I’m rolling the dice, got the wind in my hair._  
_I’m gonna kill my girlfriend, yeah._  
_‘Cause she’s only nice when there’s somebody there._  
_I’M GONNA KILL MY GIRLFRIEND._

Oswald pinched himself. This was definitely some mad fever dream or something. The singer actually sang ‘kill my BOYfriend,’ but Edward’s version had GIRLfriend in it. Oswald was too dumbfounded to figure out why. However, he had enough sanity left to whip out his phone and start recording.

 _It’s been a minute love,_  
_wish we’d never broke it off_  
_(oh oh oh oh-oh oh oh oh, and now)_ God, Edward was singing the backup vocals too.  
_I hated that we separated, can’t forget you no._  
_(oh oh oh oh-oh oh oh)_

 _But now I got another,_  
_got a ring, I got a lover;_  
_I’m about to have a mother-in-law._ Here, Edward made a disgusted face.  
_And things are kinda perfect,_  
_but I know you’re fucking worth it._  
_There’s only one thing I can do to break it off, COME ON!”_

 _I’m rolling the dice, got the wind in my hair._  
_I’m gonna kill my girlfriend, yeah._  
_‘Cause she’s only nice when there’s somebody there._  
_I’M GONNA KILL MY GIRLFRIEND._  
_(Kill kill kill, I’m gonna kill kill kill)_  
_(so we can rule Gotham_ (run away in the actual song) _just like we said.)_  
_(Kill kill kill, I’m gonna kill kill kill,)_  
_(so we can be together like we planned.)_

Did someone slip some drug into his drink or something? Oswald looked back at the meeting he just came back from. He didn’t drink anything, nor did he eat since lunchtime. Was his food spiked and the drug only was taking hold of him now? This HAD to be a hallucination or a dream. There was no way this was real. No fucking way.

 _You’re the one I want, everything I’m dreaming of,_ Ed continued, giving the penguin fucking bedroom eyes. Actual bedroom eyes. Oswald rubbed his eyes in disbelief but those were definitely very bedroom eyes.  
_oh oh oh oh-oh oh oh oh, and now)_  
_don’t make me break her heart in a million pieces now._  
_(oh oh oh oh-oh oh oh oh)_

THE FUCKING BACKUP VOCALS. Oswald was grateful that he had enough presence of mind to record the spectacle because Ed was doing an absurdly hilarious thing with his shoulders as he sang. This was the man he fell in love with, holy shit.

 _But every time I’m with her I imagine that we’re kissing,_ Edward was gesturing with one hand as if he was explaining the situation to the penguin. He looked mildly annoyed, as if the marriage was nothing but… 

_And I’m wishing she was you all along._  
_And boy I’m so committed. I’m so deep there’s no more digging!_

… an **obstacle.**

_There’s only one thing I can do to solve this mess, COME ON!_

There came the chorus again, and Oswald braced himself against the door, now swung wide open. Edward, bless his dorky, brilliant soul, was still completely oblivious to his presence.

_I’m rolling the dice, got the wind in my hair._  
_I’m gonna kill my girlfriend, yeah._ **And he was pretty goddamn cheerful about it, too.**  
_‘Cause she’s only nice when there’s somebody there._  
_I’M GONNA KILL MY GIRLFRIEND._  
_(Kill kill kill, I’m gonna kill kill kill)_  
_(so we can rule Gotham just like we said.)_  
_(Kill kill kill, I’m gonna kill kill kill,)_  
_( so we can be together like we planned.)_  


_(Kill kill kill, o-oh, kill kill kill ye-ah, kill kill kill)_ How was he doing this?!  
_(I’m gonna kill my girlfriend, yeah!)_

There, Ed fell back on the bed again, raising the penguin close to his face and… caressing it? Oswald mouthed a hysterical ‘what the fuck’ at the sight. He could barely stop himself from bursting into laughter so loud that he’d most likely end up in Arkham again because of it. His hands were shaking as he struggled to keep the phone stable.

 _And I’ll do the time, you’re my sweetest crime._ Ed cooed lovingly, and Oswald was actually impressed by how accurate the song was.  
_You know that I’ll wait for you, baby._  
_And we’ll be apart, but you’ll have my heart;_  
_I’m saving it all for you, baby._  
_And I’ll do the time, you’re my sweetest crime._  
_You know that I’ll wait for you, baby._  
_And we’ll be apart, but you’ll have my heart;_  
_I’m saving it all for you, baby._

_(Kill kill kill, I’m gonna kill kill kill)_  
_(so we can rule Gotham just like we said.)_  
_(Kill kill kill, I’m gonna kill kill kill,)_  
_(so we can be together like we planned.)_

_Mmm I gotta, ooh I wanna,_  
_Mmmm I’m gonna kill my girlfriend…_

At last, the song ended, and Edward erupted into drunken giggles.  
_'Thank God.'_ Oswald thought, closing the camera app and ducking out of sight to compose himself a little. He doubted that his sanity would be able to put up with more drunk Edward serenading a…

…a penguin.

Oswald’s blood suddenly ran cold.

The penguin.  
The ‘obstacle.’  
The talk about Edward’s feelings.  
The ridiculous display of love towards the origami animal (which Ed referred to as Ozzie at one point.)  
The song.  
The changed lyrics.

_**“I’m gonna kill my girlfriend, yeah.”** _

All the nonsense suddenly made perfect sense, Oswald found as his heart decided to repeat the backflippy-exploding trick from earlier. All his bad mood melted away like an ice cube in the middle of a housefire. Amusingly enough, his face was almost as hot as said housefire.

He went to the kitchen, deciding that he was in a desperate need of a drink. There, he met Olga.  
“You’ve heard?” he asked. 

She nodded with resignation of a woman who has seen way too much shit and was pretty much numb to everything at this point. 

“When did he start this?” 

She shrugged. “Two hours ago. Wouldn’t shut up.”

“You’re getting a raise and three days off, today included.” Oswald patted her shoulder. “Get some rest, woman. God knows that you deserve it. I’ll deal with him.”

She nodded gratefully and left the kitchen, leaving Oswald alone. He decided to forego alcohol for now, and instead splashed his face with cold tap water. Then, he went to the dining room, sat by the table and let his head fall, landing on the mahogany with a satisfying “thud!”

He… He had to take a long moment to process everything. 

“Okay,” he sighed, “Edward doesn’t love Isabelle. Let’s start with that.”  
That wasn’t too difficult to wrap his head around, and Oswald found that he was relieved, although not necessarily surprised; Edward wasn’t an idiot, and he surely would've sooner or later realized that a woman who looks exactly like his ex isn’t just a happy coincidence. Good.

“Next up,” he stood up and fetched a glass of water, “Edward doesn’t seem to want to marry her. In fact, he wants to get rid of her.”  
Great! That was even better! No pesky clones to try to steal Ed from him. Plus, it didn’t seem like Ed _wanted_ to be stolen, which brought Oswald to…

“Edward loves me, and has been in love with me for a while now.”  
Now that took him a bit longer to process, but when Oswald finally finished digesting the new information, he grinned and even did a little dance not dissimilar to Ed’s drunken twitching. Ed loved him back! Ed Nygma loved him back!!! Edward Nygma, his chief of staff and closest friend, loved him back!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Okay, next up.” Oswald sat back at the table, allowing himself a moment of silence to listen to Ed shrieking out the lyrics to yet another cheesy pop song. “Edward doesn’t seem to be aware that I love him.”  
Oh, Eddie. If only you knew… Oswald tried to tell him so many times, but always either chickened out or was interrupted (*coughcoughdinnercoughIsabellecoughcough.*) 

They were both terrible at this.

“Another point.” He took a gulp from the glass. “Edward cannot sing when drunk.”  
Note to self: never allow drunk Edward near any source of music. He opened the video he recorded, grinning like an idiot at the slightly blurry spectacle.

“Following that,” he recited gleefully, “Edward cannot dance when drunk – his long legs get all tangled up.” Another mental note to keep an eye on him during public events which included both alcohol and dancing.

“That’s it, I think.” Oswald ended his little monologue, finished the water and stood up. He left the empty glass in the kitchen and returned to the front door. There, he listened and waited until there was a break between songs, and slammed the door loudly enough for Edward to hear.

“Ed!” he called out, “I’m back!”

There was a faint ‘THUD’, which sounded suspiciously like a someone tripping and falling down, then a few moments of silence during which Oswald hung his coat on a different hook and moved the umbrella from the corner into the umbrella stand by the door. At last, there came footsteps. Oswald adjusted his tie and did his best to wipe the grin off his face.

Edward rounded the corner, looking as fancy as usual, with a fresh white shirt, a green vest, black trousers and hair slicked back neatly.  
“Hello, Ozzi- I mean Oswald.” He smiled, reaching to push up his glasses, missing, and trying again with a better result. “How was the meeting? You look happy.”

Oswald shrugged, not bothering to hide the smile now that Edward noticed. “Good news tonight, that’s all.” He replied innocently. “Look, I think that Olga has a day off today so how about takeout? I haven’t eaten Chinese in what feels like years.”

Ed nodded a little too eagerly. “Great idea!” he agreed, turning on his heel, “I’ll order if it’s alr-oh dear.” He tripped, stumbled, and steadied himself against a wall. “Would you like rice or noodles?”

 _‘There is one awkward noodle I would very much like to eat right now.’_ Oswald thought casually. “Noodles, please.” He said, adding to the previous thought, _‘although, maybe after said noodle sobers up a bit.’_

As they ate in comfortable silence that existed only because Ed was too busy eating to keep explaining why instant ramen is the best thing invented since the invention of printed press, Oswald decided that it was, after all, a very good day.


	2. Chapter 2

“Oswald?”

Oswald looked up from sorting the papers to find Ed looming above him, an excited grin on his face. “Yes, Ed? What is it?” 

“We have the evening off today.”

“Oh!” Thank God, Oswald thought. He was about three and a half strands of willpower away from murdering someone. “That’s great! I need a break from all this.”

“Now that you mention respite…” Edward was almost bouncing in place. “How about a dinner tonight at the mansion? Perhaps at 8 or 9pm? We can give Olga a break and I could cook something. There is a certain very important something I would like to discuss in private.”

Oswald blinked, momentarily taken aback by the speed at which the proposition was blurted out. All he understood was “dinner,” “mansion,” “8pm,” and “important.” It was enough to convey the main point, though.  
“Well, I’d love to!” he smiled, watching Ed’s grin widen and deliberately pushing away the thought that this was what he’d told Ed several months ago, right before he met a certain Isabelle. “8pm, then?”

“Yes! I’m already looking forward to it.” Last time Oswald saw Ed this excited was when they were killing Mr Leonard together. He wondered if the dinner would end the same way as the one they had back then in Ed’s apartment. He really hoped so.

**~???~**

Oswald returned to the mansion at precisely 7.45pm, shrugged off his coat, threw the gun into the umbrella stand, and strolled through the hall. He could already smell the food, but didn’t approach the dining room yet, knowing that Ed was fussy about details – 8pm on the dot! 

In the meanwhile, he checked his eyeliner, hairstyle, and tie, and sent a quiet prayer to whoever listened that Edward had a certain very important something to tell him about his relationship with Isabella. With three more minutes left, Oswald reached for his phone and played a video he recorded a while ago.

_“KILL KILL KILL I’M GONNA KILL KILL KILL_  
_SO WE CAN RULE GOTHAM JUST LIKE WE SAAAAAAAAID.”_

He grinned, putting the phone away when the clock hit 7.58pm. It was almost time.

“Oswald? Are you here?” Edward’s voice floated from the dining room, soon followed by the man himself. He looked positively dashing: hair styled neatly, crisp white shirt coupled with a black waistcoat and tie... everything about him was _perfect_ , and Oswald fell in love all over again.

“I’m queer… I-I mean I’m here!*” he smiled tightly, then realized what he said, had a mini heart attack, corrected himself, and smiled again. “Good evening, Mr Nygma.”

“Good evening to you too, Mr Cobblepot.” Edward took Oswald’s hand in his, too busy trying to stop his heart from exploding to notice the latter’s tomato-red blush. “The dinner is ready.”

And boy, was the dinner magnificent. Oswald wasn’t aware that some of the ingredients used were even available in Gotham. Did Edward mention that he cooked the stuff himself?  
‘I’m so going to marry this man.’ Oswald decided, swallowing a piece of perfectly cooked pork before clearing his throat.  
“So, my friend, what is it that you wanted to discuss?”

Edward paused his lovestruck gazing before Oswald noticed, and placed the knife and fork back on the table. “Ah, yes. It’s somewhat complicated....” he pushed up his glasses. “It’s about me and Isabella.”

“Oh?” Oswald tried not to sneer at the name of his love rival. Then, he remembered that she technically wasn’t his rival anymore, and opted for a polite smile. “Is it about the wedding?” he asked, genuinely interested. What did Ed plan to do with his would-be fiancée?

“No.” Edward bit his lip. “Well, yes. Kind of. The wedding… isn’t going to happen.” 

Oswald’s brain did a mental equivalent of popping a bottle of champagne while hollering with wild joy from a random rooftop. “Oh, what a shame! May I ask what happened?” Shame indeed. Take that, you thieving bitch!

Edward didn’t seem to consider it a shame, however. “Well… I’ve been thinking a lot recently….”

“One of the many things you’re brilliant at.” Oswald quipped before he could stop himself. “Please, carry on.”

“I… Um. Ah, th-thank you! Hmmm, yes.” Ed verbally stumbled and fell on his face before dusting himself off awkwardly. “R-Remember when you invited me for dinner? On the night I met Isabella? You wanted to discuss something in private.”

“How could I forget?” He couldn’t. There were nights when he screamed into his pillow because he was SO DAMN CLOSE to confessing, only to be deprived of both his crush AND his wine. Buuuut, Oswald couldn’t deny that he was beginning to see where the conversation was going. It was like watching a movie after figuring out the plot twist and seeing all your predictions come true.

“So I’ve been thinking.” Edward’s smile vanished, replaced by something else. Guilt? “And I might have figured out what it was.”

THERE IT WAS. Ed was going to say it!!! Oswald took another sip of wine in anticipation. “Is that so?”

Edward swallowed nervously. "I may only be given, but never bought. Sinners seek, me but saints do not. What am I?" And before Oswald could even think of an answer, he carried on. "Forgiveness. I seek forgiveness."

Oswald frowned. "What?"

"Listen, words cannot even begin to express how sorry I am." Edward was fumbling with his words a little. "I thought that you didn’t… but then when I realized that you did, I-I was in too deep and I had no idea how to solve all that mess…”

_"And boy I’m so committed. I’m so deep there’s no more digging!_  
_There’s only one thing I can do to solve this mess, COME ON!"_

It was too perfect, Oswald thought as he desperately tried not to grin. It was simply too perfect! He stayed quiet, though, letting Edward talk.

“…Until recently.” Edward stood up and gestured for Oswald to follow him. “How did the meeting go?” he asked out of the blue.

“Fine.” Oswald answered, caught a bit off guard. “Moore and his men were compliant enough; I didn’t even have to kill any of them to make them work for us.”

“Good, good.” Edward nodded absentmindedly. “Do you still have your switchblade?”

“I do. Why?”

“Well.” Edward was leading them to the wine cellar. “Um. Remember when I promised to pick up the wine for the dinner, but I picked up Isabella instead? Here’s the thing.” Edward turned to him, face set but eyes still betraying anxiety. “You see, I thought that you didn’t feel about me the same way I feel about you, so I sought a rebound. However, I figured out that you might have not known about my feelings at all! And then I replayed our conversation in my mind, saw the totally obvious clues and it all became clear.”

Was this going where Oswald thought this was going? Oooooh, it seemed like it was.

“The point I’m trying to make, Oswald.” Ed swallowed nervously, “isthatIcan’tbeboughtbutIcanbestolenwithaglanceI’mworthlesstoonebutpricelesstotwowhatamI?”

That was the most wonderful wordvomit Oswald has ever heard. He grabbed Edward’s tie and pulled him down for a kiss to show him just how much he liked it.  
“About time you figured it out.” He rasped when they pulled away. “I was close to murdering that woman.”

Ed looked dazed for a second; face red, glasses and tie askew, expression of mixed shock and ecstasy. Then, he seemed to snap out of it, grinned wider than Oswald thought possible, and pulled him in for a hug.  
“Thank you.” He whispered into Oswald’s shoulder. “Thank you so much, Oswald. You have no idea how happy I am.”

Oswald returned the embrace, feeling pleasantly warm and fuzzy all over his body. “Thank _you,_ my dear. I have been waiting for this moment for so long.”

“As have I.” Edward pulled away before grabbing the door handle. “Now, you’ve mentioned wanting to murder Isabella, correct?”

“Correct, why?” Was this day going to become any better?

“Well, you’re in for a treat then.” Ed opened the door to reveal a tall rack full of Oswald’s favourite red wines. What was even better, next to the rack was a chair, to which was tied a person. That person happened to be Isabella; bound, gagged and crying.

“Ta-daa!” Edward did the Will-Smith-showing-something-off -pose. “I was going to kill her myself but then I decided that letting you have your way with her would be a better apology.”

Oswald gasped. Then smiled. Then grinned. Then giggled. Then laughed. Then pulled Ed down for another kiss. Then grinned again. What a wonderful day! What a wonderful fucking day!  
“I think that you’re forgiven.” He hummed, approaching the terrified woman. And ooooh, she had every reason to be terrified of him. “However, you still need to prove yourself.”

Edward frowned. “How?”

Oswald began to pace around the small storage room, fingers idly tracing the labels on the bottles. “So, are you saying that you don’t care about her?”

“Nope.”

“Not even a little bit?”

“Not even a smidge.”

“So, you wouldn’t be upset if I tortured her to madness for trying to take you away from me?”

“Honestly? The only way she could EVER pleasure me would be screaming and writhing as you reduce her to a wheezing lump of meat begging for the sweet release of death.”

Isabella whimpered. 

Oswald made a note to pin Edward against a wall later on and make him repeat these exact words, because _holy shit._ “In that case,” he reached into the inside pocket of his suit and pulled out his favourite switchblade. “I cannot see why we shouldn’t make your fantasy reality. Remember Mr Leonard?”

He had the pleasure to watch understanding dawn like the morning sun, basking Edward’s face in a soft golden glow and making his eyes glitter like shards of amber on a sunlit beach. Then, he grinned, and all the softness melted away, replaced by the coldness and cruelty of a professional criminal. He reached into his pocket and produced a surgical scalpel, possibly a souvenir from his forensics career at the GCPD.  
“I was hoping that you would say that, you know.” He quipped.

**~???~**

They finished roughly five hours later, and only because the scalpel slipped and sliced through an artery. 

Then they had some wine.

Then they fucked against a wall next to the mangled corpse.

Then Oswald called the cleaning crew to get rid of the remains.

Then they went upstairs and showered.

Then Edward fell asleep on top of Oswald, muttering riddles in his sleep. Oswald recorded them, half amused and half endeared.

It was, in the end, a very, _very_ good day.

**~???~**

Several months later Edward looked down at his phone to see a message from his boyfriend. He opened it hesitantly. Now, if Oswald found out that he finished the last jar of his favourite spicy mustard…

It wasn’t a caps-locked rant filled with death threats.

It was something much worse.

It was a video.

Oswald cackled maliciously. He considered deleting the video of Ed singing along to Natalia Kills, but figured that it would make delightful blackmail material.

The horrified screaming from upstairs confirmed that he was right,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *He’s here, he’s queer, the birb of the year.
> 
> Because this story needed a second chapter to make these assholes finally kiss.  
> And kill someone together.  
> Canon is dead and so is Isabella.

**Author's Note:**

> The song is "Kill My Boyfriend" by Natalia Kills.


End file.
